oh yes, it's one of those days, with a vengeance. i've been trying to pinpoint the baby's food allergies . . . all i can think, while fighting off tears, is WHY, GOD???!!? i just want to eat food, ya know? and have cream in my coffee! and i can't even do coconut creamer, because i'm pretty sure coconut is on the Hell No list, along with dairy, wheat, eggs, and any other form of normal, relatively cheap and easy food. any sort of beans make her super gassy, and Little Lady gets Very Angry about bodily functions. so it's meat and veggies, kids, unless i am naughty and eat rice cereal with flax milk. pooooooor meeeeeeeeeeee.
and then the relentless requests, for the kiddie music--even Elizabeth Mitchell gets old!--to "make it silly ("oh, there are the blue owls" instead of gold lions), when i want to sit quietly and listen to the song reminding me to bring it to Jesus. i want to shut it all out, make it all go away, so i can breathe, regroup, escape the constant demands of mothering. driving home from preschool this morning, a banner formed in my mind, proclaiming,
I AM OFFICIALLY STRUGGLING WITH MY VOCATION TODAY
in fact, "resenting" might even be more appropriate. because, of course, we don't get much support in our culture in the idea of living for others. even altruism has been warped to be about "fulfilling ourselves".
but Christ said to follow Him, and He emptied Himself, taking on the form of a servant although He was equal with God.
and the escapism? there was so much pressure, the seeming relentless expectation, to be the responsible one: the babysitter, dinner-maker, house-cleaner; to get better grades, to always be "in the ball", and always i wanted just to get away from it all . . . but even more, to be loved for being just me, not because i was ready-made help, or smart, or even responsible, but just because of being me.
and both are connected: when i start feeling those demands to "perform" as a mother, i need to remember, to realize and internalize, that they do, in fact, love me, because i am their mother. and they are little, and have their own expectations and disappointments, and that He is there, in all of them. He has gone before me, and walks with me, because He loves me.
2 comments:
I sympathize completely with the vocation struggles right now. This seasonal change is so hard with the little ones. It seems like I'm constantly impatient and defensive. It takes all my mental effort to rise above the aggravation. I'll keep you in my prayers. We're in this together, for the best reasons in the world.
Thanks, Alaina! Trying to do this alone is impossible, and knowing that other mamas are struggling too, and that we can pray for each other, makes this crazy life bearable. Blessings!!!
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