Some time ago, I came across the Orange Rhino challenge on FB, and a I was totally convicted. Yelling is one of my biggest challenges as a parent, if not the biggest, and I hate it. I struggle with it daily, and it's a horrible feeling, so often to feel on the edge of self-control. C'mon, self, you're supposed to be the adult, here. So I determined to try this challenge. And I did . . . and failed, completely. I didn't even make it a week. And then many things happened, and life got beyond crazy, and for a while it was a struggle to stay on top of daily life, never mind changing habits. I did make an effort to tell the boys, "It isn't your fault; mama's really sad today; I'm sorry for not being patient, just know it is not your fault." Which helped us through the interim, and the I knew it was time, time to try again, to change things so my house is a gentle, welcoming, peaceful, safe home. And that bit from Mistress Pat kept running through my head, where May Binnie marries Sid and brings her noise and cattiness and quarrels and temper to Silver Bush . . .
I had two hesitations about starting the Orange Rhino method. The first is that one year seems really discouraging to me. Yes, it's good to have goals, but every time I messed up, the first thought in my head was great. Now my one year starts all over again. Not the first reaction I want to have, either to yelling or to messing up. The other problem is her advice: a lot of it is great, but just not applicable to me. Like having a friend to call or text. Okay, that seems like a really great idea: we all need support, encouragement, and a good outlet--yes! Of course! But I don't know any mamas whom I want to burden with my very persistent failing. They all have their own struggles, and most of them have a lot more kids than I. It ain't their bidness: not their monkeys, not their circus.
My solution? Well, as the people that my short fuse most directly affects: my kids. And they love it! I ask them at the end of the day, "So, how did Mama do not yelling today?" "You did a great job, Mama, you get a sticker!" or, "Well, you tried, but you DID yell a little bit . . ." It's been good for us, and it's good for me to be accountable to them. And I feel it respects their personhood, acknowledging that how I treat them, and how they perceive me, matters to me.
So much for my thoughts on yelling . . . So here we go, on spanking. (Do I want to do this? Really???!!?)
I have gone back and forth on this one, so very much. Certainly the pressure in current society is Never Ever Ever Spank or You Will Be a Horrible Abusive Parent and We All Will Judge You Harshly and Unremittingly. So being somewhat weak to the opinions of others I have several times tried to go a no-spanking route.
Now, this part of this post was sparked by a debate on a FB moms' group, with other moms that supposedly had a lot in common with me. Someone brought up the spanking thing, and Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY! I mentioned there were times when spanking really was the most effective and efficient consequence, and you would have thought I meant the woodshed with a belt for any peccadillo. One mom posted, "Would you hit an animal or an adult?" and oh my, the self-righteous judgey condescension positively oozed right off the screen, it really did. The really horrible part was that these women completely ignored my comments, continuing to abuse spanking parents as if I had said nary a relevant word, that spanked children were sneaky, violent, only obedient in front of the abusive parent, etc etc. ALL OF THEM.
Now this brings up some interesting stereotypes that non-spanking parents have of spanking parents:
1) They always spank in anger
2) Spanking is the only discipline they use
3) Every and any little thing is punished, and always with a spanking (see 2)
4) They are unreasonable in their demands and (again 3) hyperbolic in their punishment
Well, the injustice of these stereotypes and the refusal to listen to any other conditions for spanking absolutely blew my mind. In my house:
1) Spanking is a last resort, when the child has been given multiple other chances or disciplines to no effect
2) Spanking may not be done in anger. If I am too angry to be rational in my punishment, we both have a cool down time, because
3) Administering a discipline is not the same as hauling off and whaling on your kid because you're pissed off.
4) Spanking is not for older kids, nor even for every child
5) Spanking is a last resort (just want to make sure you all got that down)
In We and Our Children Mary Reed Newland points out that one of the "pros" to spanking is that you do it, and it is done. You are not dragging out the discipline, and therefore focusing on the misdeed, for however long. That resonated strongly with me, having experienced and seen in other families consequences that seem to be overblown simply because they drag on and on and on (like this sentence). In addition, if you so-called "gentle" parents have such a judgmental, close-minded, stereotypical, intolerant attitude towards those with different parenting styles, automatically assuming that they are harsh, unreasonable, violent angry people, your children will pick up on that attitude, and they will treat other people that way, too. So make sure, you so-called "gentle" parents, that you are not using up all your gentleness on your children and have none left for other parents who are trying to do their best.
And as for that mama's saccharine retort? Well, this is getting long so I'll try to keep this rebuttal short:
Horses, usually lesson or public trail horses, can develop a condition called "leg dead." Leg cues are one of the main ways of communicating to a horse, and if a horse has decided it doesn't care about them, you're pretty much outta luck. There is a way to retrain it. It involves a dressage whip used to reinforce your leg cues. Read: you hit the horse.
I have heard several times from men how, if they are at odds, one of the best solutions is to fight. One fellow I met said, "Because it's impossible to box someone and not gain some respect for him." In other words: two (more or less) adult men hitting each other.
Do I advocate hitting as a prime or even acceptable method for training animals or resolving disputes? Absolutely not. But there are specific cases when it is helpful, even necessary.
Am I endorsing a full-spanking, always-spanking parenting method? I hope you read better than that, Gentle Reader. And I hope the next time a parent calmly administers a discipline to an unruly, unresponsive child, you give him or her the benefit of the doubt. Just because you don't like it, doesn't mean it is wrong.
6 comments:
Ha! Spanking? At least one of my kids gets a lashing with a belt once per week, depending on the severity and frequency of their crimes.
-Phil (yeah, that Phil)
Love your thoughts on the Orange Rhino method and respecting the parenthood of your kiddos. It's such a challenge sometimes to slow down and give the little ones real power over you, in this case, by hearing their perspective and letting them know that you are taking it seriously. Well done, mama!
Spanking ... sigh. We were spanked as kids. My parents never did it in anger which was awesome. I do suspect that in parenting relationships where the parents is really, really focusing on developing that relationship of trust with the kid there will be less need for spanking.
My greatest fear is that my almost two year won't listen to me when I scream "Stop, don't run into the street," so there are times when I will slap her hand if she is doing something dangerous and not listening to my warnings.
I do remember hearing from someone that most "issues" are happening because someone is either tired or hungry, and if you take care of those, life will be much much easier. And now I understand why moms always have Goldfish or Cheerioes.
Love your thoughts, as always!
Well, Boniface, not quite my speed--when working with my dogs and horses I was always told to use the least amount of force needed and I try to use that maxim for my kids, as well. Howevs, I'm not going to accuse you of abuse and I can't think of anyone who would dare say your kids are not awesomely amazing!
Jenn, Yes!! taking care of bodily functions is vital! However, sometimes it's something else. Like being three.
My stomach clenched a bit just seeing the title of your post, "parenting issues," and then seeing you wrote about spanking, I hardly had the courage to continue. The type of non-dialogue you described on that FB drives me craaay-zee. But-whew!- I feel the same way you do about spanking. We're to the point with Girl 1 (age 6) where it's not necessary anymore. And Girl 2 is a people-pleaser so censure or time-outs are enough. . . . But, like Jenn said, there were times with Girl 1 that they were necessary for her safety. . . . Looking back, I probably could have avoided some of the spankings I gave her, but I don't regret _all_ of them. . . . My parents spanked me, not out of anger, and I don't resent it. I guess I could have super duper repressed issues, but I don't think so. . . I resent plenty of things about their parenting but not the spanking specifically.
Good for you with the no-yelling efforts. I haven't been as systematic about it, but I do apologize after yelling--as soon as I can collect myself and am able to apologize sincerely w/o blaming the kid for making me mad. I think it helps?? I pray it helps.
Ha! Laura, i left that group as soon as that lady posted her comment. no regrets there. and it is a tricky one. of course i regret some of the spankings: but i think, actually, it's the times i've yelled that i regret the most.
in We and Our Children, Mary Reed Newland relates an anecdote where she was going to spank one of her children, and the child said, "if you were Our Lady, would you spank me?" and her response was, of course not, because if i were Our Lady i would be a much better teacher and example. it is, i think, often related to a failing on our part, but there have been not a few times when i've really not known how else to respond. if i were a better person, i am sure i would spank less, but so much of it just relates to temperament.
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