shadowlands

i fled the home of my heart to escape the phantoms of you
that hounded my thoughts so relentlessly. in each loved place,
old memories created fresh sorrows to consume me.
in the home of my childhood i sought sanctuary, buried
in business and buisness, in thoughts and cares and worries
far removed from you. for a time, it eased the pain,
these days that carried my ephemereal, novel duties.

yet i ran farther still, to far-off lands, to places
both ancient with mellow wisdom and weathered beauty
then to those still uncouth with unwieldy youth
and found a sort of solace, for a time. too soon fled gentle moments;
i climbed high, and higher still, in the world within my mind:
this ivory tower will bring me solace, and safety in reflections.
i sought to be the lady of shalott, scheming to weave words into stones
without a stair or door. as i flew higher, and wove faster
i found nought but symbols and shadows of you. the mirror
of this tower has deceived me, for it shows me
not a new world, but only one that i have carried with me.

are they yet inspired, these desires? or be they mere
conflated habits, deeply etched in memories of living?
this mind, which rises keenly to the challenges of knowledge
in Plato, Homer, languages of being, is no longer suited
to understand or explicate the motion of its anchor heart.
shall i, this shell and shadow of a keen and joyful giving,
find solace in images of love, in paltry arms of others?
where is the solace which i seek? where, then, do i find
what life portented to fulfill in you? what is the higher good
that i so relentlessly pursue? the consolation is slender, indeed,
that carries with it constancy of the disease.