colours and footsteps and florence

or firenze, which is beautiful. been travelling like crazy; everything of course is wonderful and there has been very little time to process much of anything. of course plans are last minute and scattered ... silvana has been wonderful, having hannah along has been also stellar. it is much more fun travelling with someone and i cannot wait to see rome and then finally settle in gravagna.

never regret what was freely given in love.

random thoughts before departure

finally going back overseas after eight years of waiting; doesn't even seem real ... this time mostly in italy.

i've decided the best way to interact with reality is complete flippancy ...

brief word on "it's all over now, baby blue": i have wrapped up the shreds of my heart in this song; i tied up the pieces in the words to keep them together ...

we cannot be bound by the past, but we are formed and shaped by it. it's a complete circle, with the past shaping us, and who we are in this moment creating the past. so "take these chains, dance all night".

submit always with complete holy indifference, remembering how illusory our control over life really is ...

and always, always pax tecum

otto

this is my brother & sister-in-law's dog, otto. he is a viczla (vee-shla), which is a hungarian breed (hence the name). otto once tried to tear off my thumb, but we are friends now. sometimes i take him for little walks and we have fun. i thought i would put this photo up because lots of people have heard about him, especially when i had a large nasty cut on my thumb from him, but not a whole lot of people have met him. so: otto!

femininity: addendum

So try to wall up: "I will never love again." But then we go to Mass and there is our dead God hanging over the altar. Ask any pagan and they'll tell you the purpose of an altar: to kill. Death and Sacrifice for expiation and atonement. You can't get away with anything as a Catholic. Love demands vulnerability. No walls allowed, just crosses. Go tell that Man over there, the One with holes all over Him, that you're tired of suffering, thank You very much. You're sick of loving 'cause it hurts too bad. Go tell Him, please, that you're sick of being annihilated whenever you try to give yourself. "I offered up my innocence And got repaid with scorn" (one of the best lines ever written, by the way). And the worst part: He's still vulnerable. He promised He would always stay with us, so what does He do? He goes and stays in a wafer. A piece of bread. At a flawed man's beck and call. We eat Him. 'Scuse me, gotta go eat God now. No wiggle room here, no cop-out. No "Okay, I'm done suffering now." It's maddening, absolutely infuriating at times, to serve a God that's already done everything He asks of you, but done it even more. He's given more than enough reason to say "Yes."

feminine?

To be captivating! The whole essence of womanhood: that captivating hidden mystery of femininity. Alice von Hildebrand discusses it in The Priviledge of Being a Woman, Helen Andelin in Fascinating Womanhood, Staci Eldridge in Captivating!, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider in The Rules. This is what it means to be a woman. This is the role of a woman. If you are a true woman, the man will rise to the bait ... that is, the occasion. The man will change for you, because true femininity has the power to change a man and if you discover yours, he will be a manly man. The implied converse of this is, of course, if you lose your man, you failed to be a womanly enough woman. You failed to be sufficiently woman enough to keep his attention or call forth his manliness.
Of course, this isn't always true. Sometimes things *just don't work out* for whatever bullshit reason. Sometimes, no matter how captivating you are, the man just doesn't have enough balls to step up to the plate and bat. (cf. Captivating) And then sometimes there is no why. Sometimes the answer to why cannot go deeply enough to mean anything. Sometimes women are so profligate with our mystery and our beauty and our "wanton tresses." I should not have let you kiss me. What a travesty! We think we are giving an incomparable gift of self in love and through love, to our lover ... and he was just horny. It becomes a farce, a cheap joke, all the beauty and mystery. In a consuming desire to love and give and cherish, we give too much and kill the love that was maybe just desire anyway (Eliot says it so beautifully and perfectly in "Gerontion"). And then throwing one's self gain and again against the brick wall or cage bars or gravestone demanding why, and there is no answer, my friend. None. We ask why and God says "Yes." Yes, it really is happening like this. Yes, I really am demanding this of you. "Strike another match go start anew And it's all over now, Baby Blue." oh, "You humble me, Lord."

joshua

we cannot have all things to please us
no matter how we try
'till we've all gone to Jesus
we can only wonder why

may his soul and the souls of all the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace

you're gonna make me lonesome

friday with a vengeance: phones ringing off the hook, copier jamming and throwing tantrums, addict patients waiting until the day before their meds run out to call for an appointment.
weekend was excellent: ended up playing soccer, which i do not do, barefoot & in a skirt. the ball was kicked up said skirt at one point, which was awkward. then i completely body-checked this guy. wiped his feet right out from underneath him; very un-ladylike of me. i tend to get a bit competitive ...
made up a train song for my nephew. it's the only thing he will let me sing; otherwise i take out my guitar and he opens the case saying, "all done, jemay! pu-nin-in-in-nare!" (put it in there). ah, humility in grand doses. he will also let me sing the swing-swing song if we're swinging. i will miss him in dallas, a lot. he's my buddy.

*Dragon clouds so far above I've only known careless love*
-dylan

's all good

excellent article on dylan in june issue of Paste.

exceptional article on metaphor, beauty & philosophy in message in a bottle (walker percy).

Be Good Tanyas' newer album, Chinatown, is also extremely pleasant.

was going to write my MA thesis on language but think i will have to get my PhD just so i can write a dissertation on it. in 'tweentimes, need to polish this poem to post.

happy 4th weekend. still weekend for me!