05 May 2017

One Last Hurrah

Well, it's taken me this long to come to terms with a very self-apparent fact: I really have very little "success" as an online presence.
I have so much in my head, and this blog has, for over a decade, served to be a pressure valve for me when I feel like I really am going to lose my mind, or when I just can't find an ear that is *that* listening to tolerate my tirades. (It's not an easy endeavour, I fully realize and acknowledge!) However, the problem is, it doesn't really seem to matter much . . .
The alternate reality in my head, the one that plays at various volumes depending on the day, my exhaustion/frenetic energy ration, children tantrums/naughtinesses/etcetera, says that my words mean something to someone other than me, that my often-not-very-good photographs still can reach people, touch people, that, somehow, what I say or do or post can make a difference. Heck, maybe even can touch somebody's heart. But, the reality is that my posts seem more often than not to come off as sympathy bids, as whining, as pleas for help or affirmation or whatever. And, truly, this makes me cringe, because none of that is why I write, truly. As I said, it's mostly a pressure valve . . .
Some people can be horribly, painfully shy in real life and have a vivid, appealing online presence. Some people are damn lucky enough to be sanguine in real life and are able to carry that bright, butterfly personality through the screen. Me, not so much. As in real life, I seem to be woefully inept at conveying an accurate image of who I am, what I really want to say, who I strive to be. It's humbling, for sure. And it is, at times, horribly depressing to see what seems to be a virtual failure. In taking stock of all of this, and of how much time I waste on the damn internet, and how little fruit it seems to bear . . . well, I've kind of realized that this is not, clearly, where I am meant to be. That, whatever else I may accomplish, and too often that seems precious little, it will not be here. I have removed IG from the home screens on my phone; I have all but nixed FB; I scroll Twitter for news and articles and to keep somewhat abreast of current affairs. But, I am startling myself with the realization that the interwebs are not for me. That, if I have something to say, if I can ever make a success, ti will not be via a virtual reality. And heaven help me, because rarely has the actual reality been much kinder!
For the time being, however, I am striving, with much labor and agony and very slow progress, to complete a couple of *Very* long-running writing goals, and to be more present to my children, and heck, even to train my new horse. Whom I still love, by the by. ;) I am not doing nearly as well as I would wish in any of my goals, but one must start somewhere. So, as best I can, I start here, by saying au revoir. To be continued at some much later date, dear ones . . .



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