Preaching to the Choir

my sister-in-law sent me this link from Jenny at Mama Needs Coffee. it's a great read, and i appreciated it so very much (thanks, Sar!). it's all true, and good: the pitying scorn, the contempt, the tremendous pressure to make parenting, especially of small children, "look good" in this vastly anti-child, anti-human culture we inhabit.
one thing, though, that i have often encountered, often struggled with, is this same attitude from "our own": when well-meaning, baby-loving, pro-family, God-loving people come down on you like a load of bricks for not being sufficiently "happy" about motherhood, or mothering, or pregnancy. when people whom you think are going to support you, judge you because you don't have the attitude they think you ought to have.
i will never, ever ever no never forget the time i was at daily Mass with my very new infant strapped to my chest, chronically sleep-deprived, having to haul out my screaming, resisting, boneless toddler from the church. this lady comes out and lambastes me: accusing me of abusing my child, of treating him "like trash", of being basically the worst mother ever and please not to treat my children like that in front of her. did she offer to help? no not once, not for one second. she wasn't interested in helping, just in judging and abusing an exhausted, overwhelmed, very alone mother. that was almost four years ago, but every time i see that lady my stomach clenches into celtic knots and my hands shake a bit.
obviously this is an extreme example, but it's shameful, friends, that we savage our own like that. every mama, whether you like her or agree with her or understand her, needs your support. every single mother out there needs you to have her back, even if she IS in the wrong. coming up and scolding a woman for failing at motherhood is pretty much the worst possible way to show you are pro-life.
so you're not doing that? you're as shocked and outraged at that church lady as my own mama was? maybe you're not in the clear, though. some things are more subtle, but nearly as damaging and demoralizing:

focusing on the baby and ignoring the woman
i remember after i had my first baby . . . of course i was excited. over the moon! elated! euphoric! but then it seemed that every single person who came in completely ignored me and went straight for the baby. well, of course everyone else is excited, too . . . but suddenly i don't matter? i don't deserve even a greeting because there's a baby here now? instead of being able to share in the joy of others, i was relegated to an  outsider--and i was the one who had had the baby!
other things, too: sometimes an exhausted, overwhelmed mother doesn't want to hear how great "motherhood" is, because to her in that moment, it is not great. insisting that it is can come off as invalidating her feelings and her experience. or comments like, "it's hard for you, but *I* think it's great" to a woman struggling with an unexpected pregnancy. that, too, is implying that the mother's struggles and emotions don't matter, that her state as an individual human being is unimportant, simply because her body is making a baby. how demeaning and dehumanizing! certainly not a good way to encourage a woman who might be facing a crisis pregnancy--and a crisis pregnancy doesn't always mean a young single mother with no one supporting her.

limiting the definition of a crisis pregnancy
she's got a loving husband with a good job, a lovely house, beautiful children. she's young and healthy. what's her beef about being pregnant? what's her problem?
friends, you never have any idea what is going on in someone else's life, unless they tell you. and maybe not even then. a "loving marriage" may be facing serious problems that you don't see. maybe that great job puts an incredible amount of stress on the family. maybe that lovely house takes some serious upkeep, or is a big financial strain. you never know. another baby could seem like the straw that breaks the camel's back. i recently read another article, "Do Catholics Have Crisis Pregnancies?" i have so much admiration and am so thankful for this woman's honesty and courage in sharing this. it's something that a lot of pro-life mamas are ashamed to admit. friends, that shouldn't be the case.

forgetting that part of being pro-life is parenting the children that are already here
ooo i've had lots of conversations about this one. so often in a pro-life community there is so much pressure to "quick, have as many kids as is biologically possible!!!!" that the whole purpose of actually, you know, having children is pushed to the wayside. look, folks: if having another baby is going to be damaging to your family, if it's going to create a serious health problem, or a serious impediment to educating or caring for your current children, you are not being "pro-life" by getting pregnant. being "pro-life" does not mean being a baby-machine. it means accepting each individual life and taking care of the child so he or she becomes a responsible, holy adult, capable of making virtuous choices, of discerning a vocation. it means being able to give the best of your abilities to cultivate his or her talents and strengths and to correcting weakness.
some mamas can do it. some women seem to be able either to marshal lots of kids with masterly organization and patience, or go with the crazy flow with enviable joie de vivre. but some can't, and they ought not be judged for trying to do right by the children already in their care. being pro-life isn't limited to being pregnant and just birthing the child. in the long run, maybe that's almost the easy part!

the other kind of NFP judging
i am not a big fan of Simcha Fisher, but a friend gave me her NFP book. she does have a maybe-not-so-oblique slant, writing to tick off the people who think that having more kids makes you holier, about people who judge other people for using NFP as the "Catholic birth control." which is a legitimate enough point, although considering that as even she admits most Catholics are, in fact, using some sort of birth control, i wish she would have addressed that mindset a little more. but it's a good book with a lot of good points, and parts were, in fact, very helpful.
there's another kind of NFP judging, though. it's the people who look at families and say, "whoa there, clearly they don't have their act together. what, she's pregnant, again? doesn't she know that NFP can be used to *avoid* pregnancy, too?"
friends, NO form of "birth control" is 100% effective, not even the chemical ones or the device-using ones. maybe that couple knows they're in some mire over their heads. maybe they are as baffled as you are scornful. there is no room for any kind of judging in this game. it isn't easy for anyone. if some couple is "cheating" and going against God's law . . . well, that's between them and God, and judging them isn't going to change their attitude towards sex or children. if some couple has more kids than they were intending, then they need your help and sympathy, your support and love, not your raised eyebrows. and maybe not even your enthusiasm that what they're doing is "so great." it is, of course . . . but to a mama in the trenches, it often doesn't feel like it, and can make her feel guilty about not feeling that.

so who knows what people are going to take offense at this post. my intent is not to offend anyone, but to contribute my own perspectives and experiences to this very difficult topic. peace to you, gentle reader. and courage and power to you, mama. i've got your back, the best i can.