Being Five

We are nearly five weeks into being five.

It still feels . . . overwhelming, in all ways. Overwhelmingly amazing.








Overwhelmingly crazy.








And just plain overwhelming.

When Alex was born, Finn was just 18 months, almost to the day. He was still nursing, wearing diapers, and very much not sleeping. Adding another baby was not that big a deal, really. We were doing the "baby" thing, you know?
With Aibhilin, though, I feel pretty much like a first-time mom. I don't have the same panic as with Finn, when the midwives left and I silently flipped out: What?! You mean you're just walking off and leaving me with this baby?! But I don't seem to remember how to DO anything with an infant:
. . . uuuuuuh, dinner? I have to drive? you want me to do that? but i have a BABY! oh yeah, right, burping, and changing diapers, and oh these other kids that i birthed a while ago, too . . . !!!

Is it worth it? Yes, without doubt or question. Beyond that, even, being responsible for this new person, in addition to the rest of my life, has shown me my weaknesses and frailties and bad habits in a whole glaring new light. And I'm thankful for that, too, because I want more than anything to be better, in every aspect of my life: better mother, wife, friend, person. And this is how it happens: being forced to be more than we are, more than we think we can be, and relying on grace to make up the difference. Oh Nellie, I'm not anywhere close to there yet, but I want to be. I'm trying, and that's all anyone can do.