only in the past

okay, well, not only, but, you know. largely. and inspired by:
every time i move, i come across the cache of letters, mostly at this point from college and after. every time i move, it gets smaller, as i lose touch with more and more people from that long-ago era. (who doesn't remember that age? life is as yet largely undetermined; so many paths lay before us; in so many ways we are so largely unformed--even at 20, 21 now, in this time in history, when at that age in the past men and women were already performing deeds and living lives of full stature.) but oh! those friendships! many have gone the way of most college friendships. our paths are long parted, gone in such different directions that they likely will never re:unite. some friendships were so deeply wounded, on one or both sides, that they never really recovered, even if we tried. some are still there, faithful and true more than ten years down the road, and those precious few are even deeper.
the letters now left are so dear. as i read through them today, the depth of friendship and affection in those notes made my heart ache. how richly God blessed me in those years (and since, although i have not the same record of it)! but, as i cannot, in many cases, speak to each of you individually:

My Dear Friends:

first and foremost, Thank You! thank you for your affection, for opening your hearts to me. thank you for sharing your lives and thoughts and hopes with me. thank you for wanting the same from me. thank you for believing in me, for loving me in spite of and sometimes even because of my purple prose, my melodrama, my at times out-of-control intensity. thank you more than i can say, because at many times you were the direct channels of grace that kept me on the right path and put my head on straight when i could not see past myself.
to those of you who drifted away, i thank you no less, and i will continue to hold you in my hearts and wish the best of you for the rest of our lives.
to those of you whom i hurt, and those whom i failed, i am so sorry. i hope you can forgive me, because you deserved better.
to those who hurt me, please know that i have long forgiven you, from the bottom of my heart, and your friendship does not mean any less to me.
and forgive me, long-suffering friends, once more, if i am a bit maudlin. those letters touched me so deeply, and there is no other way at this point to say what i want to say.

peace and good,
(and i mean it!)