"I am half-sick of shadows"

said the Lady of Shalott . . .
once upon a time, it seems lifetimes ago now, i sought to escape the troubles of the heart by retreating to the kingdom of the mind. it worked, in more ways than one, because, as so often in my life, the heart-troubles worked themselves out as i untangled my thinking. yet now, one husband, two sons, and three years later, with increasing frequency, i am plagued by the odd feeling that all of this is not really real, as though this cannot possibly be my life that is happening, that surely it is not i who am bearing and caring for children, a home, a husband. well, of course it is, silly!
i am sure part of it is due to sheer exhaustion, that exhaustion of the mind where it appears to absent the body. i wake up, and my physical self feels more or less awake--at least enough to go on autopilot. but my head! my elder son has already contracted the habit of repeating himself: "moredrinkmoredrinkmoredrink", because it often takes several seconds before i am able to register that he is a) speaking; b) speaking to me; c) *asking* me to do something for him. poor kid! and i can do daily tasks, more or less--wash dishes cook meals sweep floors feed nunny don't lie on top of Losh--but please don't ask me to carry on an adult conversation, 'cause honey i just can't!
i know that this too shall pass (what a weary-ing phrase, n'est pas?), and i shall at some point feel as fully human as normal circumstances of life permit. until then, i am striving to remember at every moment that this is NOT a shadow-life, that i am an immortal soul preparing other souls to live in accordance with the glory of God. to that end, Lord, preserve me and all mommas who are seeking to form faithful families.