O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E

when i was little, one of our myriad tapes on faith & virtue had a song proclaiming "obedience is / the very best way / to show that you believe". dealing with my increasinly "two-year-old" son, whom today disobeyed me literally every single time i asked him to do something, the subject naturally has been on my mind quite a bit. as soon as i lay me down on the couch to feed Alastair, Finn takes it as open season for stories--which it is. i do not want him to feel left out. so this evening, whilst my darling husband made dinner and i was maybe half-awake on the couch, Finn brought his cheesey little "children's Bible", containing the story of Noah. "Noah was obedient," says i, "so God saved Noah and Noah saved the animals." having inherited the seeds of defiance, perhaps rebellion, i've never before given obedience qua obediene much thought or credence. tonight it struck me, however: God destroyed the world because they disobeyed. that's it. they just disobeyed. i know this is nothing new, that many of us have heard from the time we can remember understanding that Adam and Eve disobeyed and ate the apple and so God sent them etcetera etcetera. no, but they disobeyed. like when i chose to ignore my parents (the one and only time i did *that* . . . ha), or when my son looks at me when i ask him to come, and runs away instead . . . disobedience can seem such a trivial, insignificant thing, but it isn't. that is the crux of salvation: to obey or disobey. we hear a lot about non servum and that's good poweful stuff, but all that means is choosing to disobey God, like a spoiled or undisciplined child. so when i, as a parent, consider how i need to parent in order to equip my sons with the tools of salvation, it starts here and now: obedience.

more on parenting

well, the terrible twos are here, and i have been close to tears most of the last week or two. while it is so frustrating and scary to see my sweetheart turn into a defiant willful child, what is at least as alarming has been my reaction to it: ANGER, in no uncertain terms. How dare you defy me? Who do you think you are? well, that is what we're both trying to figure out, and i am not doing such a stellar job helping him. i am torn, too, between not at all wanting to parent by fear, and feeling backed into a corner when he WILL NOT obey. and he is so smart! i am at a loss. if i say, "your choices are to [do] [not do] X or go in time-out," he will choose time-out. i will say, "if momma has to pick that up, i will take it away." "weey", he says, as if to inform me that he could care less if he loses his stories / toys / trains / whatever. and, in the desperate times when i resort to spanking, he will start hitting himself--clearly not a good option or response.
my son is much too much like me, and i do not know what to do.
i realized, reading dr. dobson's parenting the strong-willed child, that the few reasons i did not end up a complete mess are an innate sense of loyalty and duty, and a whole lot of grace and prayer. and i realized, while reading this blog, which is one of the few i actually keep up with, that we as parents need to be able to forgive our children. this obviously is something i have never had the perspective to realize before, but oh boy is it true. of course one reads about, or hears about, or experiences, parents falling out with adult children for one reason or another, but i have found myself thinking or feeling, when Finn apologizes, "sure you are" or "you'd better be" or even "i don't care, you naughty frustrating obnoxious child". 
Oh God! from the bottom of my heart, please may i accept the grace you offer, because otherwise the next 18 years are going to be sheer hell.

Meditations of a Sleep Deprived Momma

thank goodness for the backspace key, first of all! because otherwise my typing would be completely incomprehensible. looking at dance studios down here and trying to figure out how to make it work, between fiddling and needing to move "the girls" down here asap--nanynka is coming 8--EIGHT--and mariah is 26 now. i miss my ponies a lot, and look forward to raising my kids with them as much as possible.
so the level of my brainwaves has sunk to The Devil Wears Prada, besides which i enjoyed the movie (such beautiful beautiful eye candy clothes) so i thought i'd give it a go and (finally!) rambled down to the library. TRIPE. obsence tripe. it was awful--vulgar, seedy, pitifully shallow. i read as much as i did from the fascination of the abomination. i am so much in my little bubble--not the Catholic bubble or the small town bubble but the ever-present jaime-bubble--that i was amazed that apparently most of the modern world thinks and lives this way.
both boys just woke up and in my efforts to coax them back to sleep i rocked on my own foot. how? i have no idea. but my son sat in his bed, categorically refusing to lie down and nap, so i finally caved (i know, i know) and rocked him. he was asleep in 90 seconds . . . how, again, did i end up with The Most Stubborn Child? i know i'm stubborn, but not that stubborn! right now we currently at loggerheads about lunch. who knew it was a punishment to eat all-natural hotdog and homemade french fries?
i have been reading Wives and Daughters. the movie is so charming that i decided to read it, finally, despite the fact that North and South was NOT my most favorite thing ever (the novel; i've only seen part of the film). so far the novel is quite enjoyable; a much lighter tone overall, although we've not gotten full-blown into Osbourne's troubles as of yet.
(no son, you cannot go outside until you eat your lunch.)
we're supposed to have company arriving, but i have no idea when they are coming. so i'm trying to maintain as much order in the chaos as possible.
(Losh says "oooAAAAAAAAAAA", Finn observes.)
i consistently have to fight against vanity, and i received ample ammunition when i discovered, much to my great discomfiture, that i still have over 20 lbs to lose before i fit into my normal clothes. come on, nursing! eat up those pounds! come on, walks! slim that bum!
oh, dear, i need to stop. these meditations are going nowhere fast, although i thought i had a lot to say before i started. so i leave you with this, one of my favourite ballet photos ever.

crazy little thing called sleep

called sleep, indeed, as in we are not getting any. or very little, at the most. Finn seems to have an active and virulent vendetta against it. we've been trying all sorts of tips and techniques, but to little avail, and every time i put him down, whether for nap or night, i am afraid to breathe lest he awaken. seriously. almost literally. these are not so much fun times in our household. momma said there'd be days like this, indeed--she just neglected to mention how many of them!
other than this, we are doing well. Alastair is growing. he's so strong and alert and is becoming increasingly smiley and chatty, which is such a sweet blessing these days! Finn's lack of sleep is making him a bit cranky and demanding, and he certainly takes after his momma: sensitive, affectionate, intelligent, volatile. his wee little fiddle came yesterday; it's actually a size too big for him, or maybe even a couple of sizes, but he loves it and i love that he has it.
and so the days whirl by, despite the exhaustion and frustration they contain, and already it is mid-may. come quickly, summer and its visitors!