more on parenting

well, the terrible twos are here, and i have been close to tears most of the last week or two. while it is so frustrating and scary to see my sweetheart turn into a defiant willful child, what is at least as alarming has been my reaction to it: ANGER, in no uncertain terms. How dare you defy me? Who do you think you are? well, that is what we're both trying to figure out, and i am not doing such a stellar job helping him. i am torn, too, between not at all wanting to parent by fear, and feeling backed into a corner when he WILL NOT obey. and he is so smart! i am at a loss. if i say, "your choices are to [do] [not do] X or go in time-out," he will choose time-out. i will say, "if momma has to pick that up, i will take it away." "weey", he says, as if to inform me that he could care less if he loses his stories / toys / trains / whatever. and, in the desperate times when i resort to spanking, he will start hitting himself--clearly not a good option or response.
my son is much too much like me, and i do not know what to do.
i realized, reading dr. dobson's parenting the strong-willed child, that the few reasons i did not end up a complete mess are an innate sense of loyalty and duty, and a whole lot of grace and prayer. and i realized, while reading this blog, which is one of the few i actually keep up with, that we as parents need to be able to forgive our children. this obviously is something i have never had the perspective to realize before, but oh boy is it true. of course one reads about, or hears about, or experiences, parents falling out with adult children for one reason or another, but i have found myself thinking or feeling, when Finn apologizes, "sure you are" or "you'd better be" or even "i don't care, you naughty frustrating obnoxious child". 
Oh God! from the bottom of my heart, please may i accept the grace you offer, because otherwise the next 18 years are going to be sheer hell.