a long, reasonably restful night last night gave way to a single one-hour nap today. that's a long time for a boy to be awake, and a long time for momma to "deal" with him on my own. not wanting another night to begin at 5.30, i managed to keep him awake a bit longer . . . and as i rocked my sleeping cuddly boy, i realized what is perhaps obvious: sleeplessness is so hard because it means a dying to self. i get tired, and selfishness literally takes over. I am tired, and I must get the sleep that I want because I deserve it, and I want to read this book and I want to work on that project and I want . . . myself to be the center of the universe. watching finn hang on the front of my trousers and whine and wail up at me, i am ashamed to think of how often, every day, i do that very thing to God.
when my sisters were younger my mum had a question she would ask when they began spatting. it was one of those "mom" questions that make one roll one's eyes in irritation, not least because one doesn't want to admit the answer. she would ask, "who is on your throne?" my priest quoted bob dylan this past weekend, from the song "gotta serve somebody." and then he reminded us that when the Cross is heaviest is when we are closest to Christ, and in fact that is the only place we can find Him.
so, if sleeplessness is my Cross right now, God help me to accept the grace that Christ offered in Gethsemane--"Can you not watch one hour with Me?" no, Lord, on my own i cannot. but what i cannot do, You can, and may Your grace always be sufficient for me.
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