vocation crisis of a different colour

during my college years and for quite some time after, i agonized deeply over whether or not i was called to become a nun. the nurturing from Christendom was priceless, and the result of taking one's faith seriously, of course, is the question of religious vocation. for years, i was convinced that i was supposed to become a nun because i didn't want to, and therefore it would be the greater sacrifice and more pleasing to God. this is not to say that i did not (and do not) see the beauty of religious life. the carmelite monestary in new jersey has permanently and profoundly impressed itself on me as the most sublimely peaceful place i have ever been; excepting, now, the tomb of st. francis. and, when something is so beautiful, of course one is naturally drawn to it on some level. nonetheless, i anguished over this.
i began to notice in random conversations, however, that i was not the only one to feel this way: if it is harder, and less what i desire, then God must want it seemed to be a fairly common line of reasoning. quite a twisted one, however. yes, the religious life is objectively the higher good. that is inarguable. that does not mean, however, that one should make some sort of noble martyr of one's self and choose that way, especially if one is choosing it because it is less desired. it is okay to want the lesser good. it is still a legitimate way to holiness; it is still a good! the prelapsarian state of man was marriage, after all. perhaps it is an expression not of insufficient faith, but of humility, to accept the "lesser" vocation.
whichever way one chooses, however, all are called to a vowed state of life. perpetually drinking beer and playing poker is not legitimate long-term state of holiness. (not that there is anything wrong with either of those things, in moderation.) i tried to wriggle out of this at one point: i'm pretty sure i'm not called to be a nun but there is no way on God's green earth that i am going to gamble on any man's love again! the response was a chuckle, and a reminder that being single is, as a rule of thumb, not a vocation. some people are single and not by choice, but i have a strong suspicion that that has to do with the state of the modern world, as it were. perhaps it is due to a fear of love. love is terrifying. becoming vulnerable to a flawed human being is a terrifying prospect. but that, dear friends, is why marriage is a sacrament.
seeing as how i have several novels and excerpts to read at this moment, i must needs be off. i love academia.