on parenting, sleeping, and lack thereof

CAVEAT: before i write anything else! i am not trying to judge anyone's parenting. i definitely am not saying that i am a better parent, because i have really dropped the ball--*lost* the ball!--and usually due to lack of sleep. but i have been thinking a lot about this . . .

so a friend of mine posted an article on facebook. (i hate facebook. i would give a lot to be able to keep in touch with people in a different way.) and i reposted it. because i know we cannot always be the parents we want to be, and i know that every family is different and every child is different and BLAH BLAH BLAH. but listen here, folks: there has to be some sort of objective standard in parenting. there has to be a point where one way is objectively better than another way.
i am not a huge Theology of the Body aficionado. i don't have anything against it, but i have never gotten super into it. i do think it is a good answer to the homosexual, licentious, divorce-ridden, birth control mentality of our times. and maybe dr. popcak doesn't make his point in the best way. but what he is trying to say i think is really, really, really important.

there is a LOT of noise telling us that it is okay and good to put our kids' needs after ours. there are a LOT of people encouraging us to throw in the towel when we get tired, frustrated, overwhelmed. that it's okay, for any reason from "you are more important" to "if mama ain't happy . . .".
another caveat here: of COURSE it is important to take care of ourselves, to take time for ourselves! with my first, i put him in the bouncy seat so i could shower every day. and sometimes he cried, and i had a short shower. i was sort of horrified when i heard stories of first-time mamas who were too afraid to put their kids down to pee: no wonder you didn't want another one! sometimes our babies fuss when we go potty, or make dinner, or get dressed. i don't mean at all that we should respond to every noise our kids make.
what is troubling to me, though, is this notion that it is okay to let your kid scream for two hours because it happens to be bedtime and you are out of steam. what dr. popcak is saying is that hey, YOU are the adult here, and no matter how tired, frustrated, steaming angry, annoyed etcetera you are, it is up to YOU to show the love of Christ to your child. call me melodramatic and unfair, but i don't see Christ leaving a baby alone in the dark to cry because he hasn't learned how to fall asleep in your time.
because, see, here is the thing: kids WILL learn how to fall asleep. they just don't do it on our time frame. we think, oh, at six nine twelve eighteen months you should be putting yourself to bed.
are you joking? they cannot feed themselves, dress themselves, are still learning to entertain themselves, but we expect them to fall sleep by themselves? it is neither consistent nor fair.
sleep issues are HARD. when we moved from TX to VA, our oldest developed severe sleep problems. i'm talking awake for HOURS every night in our bed, refusing to sleep in his, several bouts of night terrors every night, fighting naps tooth and nail. it was horrible. we were exhausted to the point of tears every day, dreaded every night, had nothing for ourselves, each other, our son. but i can tell you this: the couple of times we got desperate enough to try letting him "cry it out", we both felt horribly guilty and it made it WORSE. because he thought we had left him.
now think about this for a minute: when we are addressing issues of modesty, or morality, we say that our natural feelings of guilt are a guide, that we should listen to ourselves if we feel uncomfortable in a short skirt, or about a certain type of relationship, or going "too far" before we are married. but when it comes to letting our kids scream, "experts" tell us to IGNORE THE GUILT. and we buy it, because we are desperate.
i understand desperation. i understand frustration. but the bottom line is that we ARE the adults. we are the first and foremost teachers of self-giving that our children know. and it seems logical to me that if we ignore our children crying at night, then that is going to diminish trust even if we are meeting their needs the rest of the time. in fact, i can tell you that from experience, although the opposite. your kids KNOW when you've had enough of them and start putting yourself first. kids can tell. don't fool yourself.
so whether you agree with ToB or not, or like dr popcak's style (which i personally am not even that big a fan of), it seems to me that in the matter of sleep training, some things are objectively right, wrong, better, worse:
--letting your children scream *for long periods of time* has a negative psychological and physical effect.
--kids are not going to mature at our desired rate, and this includes the tough stuff like sleeping. they will learn how to fall asleep, but should do so with an attitude of patience, acceptance and yes, long-suffering. because that's how Christ treats us, and that is what it means to be a parent. that sometimes we are not going to be allowed to sit down with chocolate, wine, and downton abbey. sometimes we are going to spend a couple of years teaching our children that we are going to be there, even when we are frustrated and tired.
i know a lot of people are going to get really angry and frustrated. but listen: parenting is not a job, it's a vocation. that means you don't get a break when you want it. and it means that the little people who don't understand the world need to know that here, at least, for these few years that are not going to last for very long, that we are going to be there when they need it. even when we don't feel like it.


for the record, the article is this: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/faithonthecouch/2013/04/parenting-and-the-theology-of-the-body-can-babies-self-soothe/