going jaunting

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ubi caritas

i am sure i have not been the only one here, in this place, and at any rate this is not the first time: those moments when one has been assigned motives so far removed from what was in one's heart; the sort of thing that sort of makes one doubt one's sanity: am i really such a cruel person and not even aware of it? am i so ignorant of and out of tune with myself that i secretly meant such viciousness without even knowing? now, i will admit that the subconscious is a sticky, messy, often dark and even disturbing thing, and i think it highly likely that many of the things we do contain less than pure motives that we are unaware of, even actively ignoring. i have been there, in that place, for sure. but then there are those other times: times when the subconsicous, or even conscious, of the person offended one eventually learns to be colored with resentment, anger, unforgiveness, jealousy, or just plain past hurst of which one is completley unaware. if one's own emotional history and subconscious are sticky issues, how much more those of another person altogether! especially those with whom we are thrown in contact in varying degrees of choice: co-workers, roommates, inlaws, neighbors, parishes . . . all the myriad human contacts so unavoidable in daily life. or, as the great, inimitable Lord Peter and Harriet Vane articulate: "It's the pressure of other people's personalities that does the mischief." "Yes. Best intentions no security. You may say you won't interfere with another persons's soul, but you do--merely by existing. The snag about it is the practical difficulty, so to speak, of not existing. I mean, here we all are, you know, and what are we to do about it?" what, indeed! the Christian answer, of course, is charity--that blessed mis-understood, mis-applied, over-used word that can itself at this point in history have the sound of clanging bells or crashing cymbals. oh, Lord, when everything seems so dry and overly-familiar, how does one make a point? flannery o'connor would say through violence, through shock value, but that is not my forte, at least not in the way that o'connor means, and i much fear that it would come off wrong altogether. and which is harder, do you suppose: to acknowledge one's own lack of charity, or to know that one's self is being judged from other motives? of course, it is always easier to see the lack of charity than its presence, especially in other people towards one's self. oh, poor self, poor ego, poor id! our jealously-guarded pride suffers more and more greatly the more that we cling to it, and sacrificing our pride, especially when we know we are being judged unjustly, is unpleasant to say the least. at any rate, if understanding charity is hard enough, accepting the lack of it with humility, and distinguishing how it guides justice and mercy, is far beyond my capacity at 4 a.m. after two nights without sleep. but since i couldn't sleep, i figured the least i could do was attempt to relieve some of the internal pressure by writing it off, which is what this poor old blog is for, in the first place. amen.

I'm So Crafty, I Make a Home: RePost

Lest there be any further confusion about my intentions, tone, state of mind, etc.: -lots of people boast about being crafty. it's the trendy thing, especially among the eco/natural/organic/buy local sort of mindset. for some, like me, who want to be crafty but cannot seem to find the time or the nimble fingers, this can be slightly depressing. -then, i realized something: making a home is a craft, a fading one, and often a ridiculed and derided one. but in doing the GAPS diet, i am discovering the art of homemaking. -why are we doing the GAPS diet? well, my boys both got yeast infections at a few weeks of age, and both subsequently developed various degrees of allergies. in looking at family health history, it seems my boys are predisposed to a lot of things that i would rather not aggravate through eating a processed, low fat, high carb, diet soda kind of diet. most of our society eats that way, and most of our society is used to living in and with and through bodies that do not work the way that God intended. as a friend said, imagine how Satan wants us to be sick, because then it is so much harder to do God's work! and, i would say, even more than that. the connection between awareness of how food affects our bodies, the rise in highly processed "food", and continually declining belief in the Real Presence are, i am convinced, connected. anyway, i became convinced that, if i am to avoid that for my family, i need to do everything i can to ensure that our food is nourishing and even healing us, instead of feeding pathogenic gut flora. -side rant: i am so angry at the food and drug companies! they are interested only in profit, which means making drugs that do not really cure (otherwise you wouldn't need any more) and food that is not only not nourishing, but often downright harmful! and the pepsi co is even using "natural flavors" derived from aborted fetuses. and it is frustrating how willing people are to believe these authorities, and treat just the symptoms--an aspect of western medicine that as angered me for years and years!!! rather than the cause, and truly look for a cure. and it is really, really hard to see people that i love following this (only recently) "conventional" path. -this diet is really hard. it is hard to try to explain to people, hard to see the smothered looks of contempt or, even worse, amusement. and it takes a LOT of work. i make my own yogurt, sauerkraut, bone broth, mayonnaise, and most other things. but you know what? i have felt . . . TRULY liberated, and empowered. i have found my home becoming more peaceful, and my soul quietening. things are becoming more ordered, in myriad ways. -it seems to me that one effect of processed food became an abundance of "free" time. because processed meals take so much less time to prepare, women were stuck at home with little to do besides watch television, talk on the phone, and shop. it seems to be that through our modern food industry, the home in many ways gradually devolved into a house. meals were no longer the focus of the family; the kitchen no longer was the heart of them home (if anything, the television replaced it. now there's community . . . ). and so in a way, the women's lib movement was right--if we are not really needed at home, if the womanly vocation of motherhood and wifeliness consists of buying and opening boxes, of dumping something into a pot twenty minutes before a meal, then we are NOT needed at home, and we are chained by out-moded convention and even chauvinism. -BUT if we are putting our whole selves into making our house a home, into feeding our families, then we are, in fact, making--crafting--a home. this is what i have found in recent days. and i have rarely been so happy.