Peace in the Midst

Even when nothing "big" or "important" is happening, life still manages to be busy--chaotic, even--full to non-stop overflowing. All The Things never seem to get done, try as I may (laundry), and morning comes with unstoppable rapidity. It is life of wee small ones at its height, and I find myself now, at 35, living this life so full of beauty--and insanity . . . I received a comment recently implying that I don't "enjoy" motherhood enough. I was taken aback, to say the least; it's an odd comment to make, and this person certainly does not know me particularly well, at all. As for being told I need to "enjoy being a mother" more, well that's some cheek, what.

Being a mother is part of my vocation, not just as a married woman but as a woman, fundamentally. All women are called to be mothers in some way. Is it always "enjoyable?" That should be an obvious answer. Are all parts of *any* vocation "enjoyable?" Do I "enjoy" being woken up multiple times a night? Cleaning up poop from the floor? Dealing with tantrums from getting dressed in the morning till pajama time? Having my toddler literally throttle me while I'm trying to nurse a new baby? Days of constant toddler screaming or sibling squabbling? Of course not! I don't think anyone would classify those things as "enjoyable."

Do I enjoy their whole-hearted snuggles? Enthusiastic hugs when I return just from another room? Hearing that I'm "awesome sauce"? Having a lightbulb moment with homeschooling? My son help his little sister? Their whole-hearted glee at seeing their baby smile at them? Cuddling up with a story by the fire, or under a blanket? Watching them push themselves in their play, with their physical escapades and bounding imaginations? Seeing my children forge bonds and memories that will help them, God willing, their whole lives? Of course! I don't just "enjoy" it--it makes all the awful moments very much worth it.

I know lots of mamas that have had more and closer children than my four kids in under six years. Most of them were having babies several years before me, but they can attest to what perhaps this individual does not realize--the tremendous emotional and physical toll it takes, especially since by 35 most people don't have the energy enjoyed (wasted?) in one's 20s. Yes, it's hard, for both Ryan and I. It's an extremely difficult time in our lives, and we both struggle in different ways.

And as those who know me, especially you dear friends that have been around since college days, auld lang syne, are aware, I have struggled with anxiety in various ways and intensities throughout my life. It is a cross I would have to bear regardless of the vocation I was called to. Certainly lack of sleep and the tremendous demands of four small children exacerbate it, but that does not mean I do not "enjoy" them, or my vocation, or my life. Despite dealing with anxiety flair-ups lately, I have had a tremendous amount of peace. I have learned quickly with this fourth baby, with having four kids, that Jesus is absolutely essential. If all is not right with Him, nothing will be right, at all, in any part of this crazy life. I have learned how much I need to let go of things: of perfectionism, of my idea of how things ought to go, of presenting a classy, polished, artsy image of myself. (Although being able to throw on some funky clothes and call it an outfit helps tremendously on those days when I feel so miserably a failure.) 

I do not take for granted that I am alive each day. There is absolutely no reason why I should be alive, in particular, and I am so thankful that each day I have another chance to get my soul right, another chance to become holier, another chance to be more of the wife and mother that I want to be. The path to holiness is never "enjoyable"--we're told it won't be! But on that steep rocky path is where we find peace, and joy, and God.